one heart

when I met Robin Lord Taylor at ComFestCon Kuwait, it was a great experience because this was the very first time that I ever hugged a blonde!

seeing as I live in Kuwait, we rarely ever see people with a hair color other than black, so a meeting with a blonde is a very unusual experience! I mean, we know they exist, but it’s a very special sight! like, it is for me anyway! I did some of my “growing” in Canada where I encountered many people with golden locks, but I never felt like they would ever accept me as an equal (because I was a lowly immigrant), or that I was ever someone they would consider embracing. even my only friend in high school, who was a brunette, pushed me away whenever I would try to hug her.

it sounds pretty fucked up, I would agree, but such is my life.

as a result of this, I never felt like anyone would ever accept me. it’s been a lonely ride ever since.

I remember sitting with my therapist and him asking me if I were married and when I told him that I wasn’t, he wore a look of shock and extreme despair. he wondered why, and I informed him that I am alone because I have no friends… social people are more likely to find a lover and/or get married, but since no one likes me, then I am not married. the look intensified. he then asked if I’ve done drugs, and I said “no” because I don’t have friends. see, in my mind having friends will allow for such opportunities to arise, and since I no one liked me, then I never tried drugs. he then wanted to know why I think that on one likes me as he counted me telling at least 7 times that “I don’t have friends”. I told him straight up, “I don’t know, why don’t you ask them”…

I struggled with not liking myself for many years when I was young because I often compared my life and my looks to other more wealthy and more beautiful girls in my class. never a good idea! and I also thought people didn’t like me because of my unusual name. thanks a lot, mom! but over the years, I began to care less and less about what I looked like to people and how they felt about me. I became more free and this is when I stared to really live and enjoy being alive…

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there is no greater sense of freedom than no caring about what others think about you!

I enjoy being with people but I don’t crave their approval nor affection. I am fine by myself. although I hope to some day be married and be with someone who loves me, I have succumb to the reality that this is not for me. I am fine alone.

I love seeing my friends find love and get married, but it’s not for me. I can't make anyone love me. I even get rejected in my own fantasy! like when I dream about a boy I like, he is mean to me in my dream the same way he is in real life! even when I dream about a celebrity I like, and keep in mind that this is someone I’ve never even met, he ends up ignoring me in my dreams too!!! the only one that has shown kindness in my dreams is Cory Michael Smith from Gotham! I dreamed about him extending his arms and trying to hug me. he even had a big smile on his face as he reached through the crowd to embrace me. that’s the fucking sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me!

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I think a face like that would be suitable for my future husband! and so I’m basing my ideal man on Cory!

I’ve been told time and time again not to picture what my future husband would look like, because really a spouse could be anyone. when you put such expectations on your life, then these things will push away from you. Law of Attraction states that placing too much emphasis on the things you want will make them take longer to manifest in your life. but I want what I want, and this guy seems to fit the mold…

I’ve very flexible, though; I’d settle for someone who looks like Robin Lord Taylor too!

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but I need to keep things more realistic. God knows what is best for me, and so I will say this little prayer in closing":

“ God, I am placing my heart in your hands, so please place it in the hands of a man who will be right for me. “