mid-week last week, my crush smiled at me. I was walking past him in the hallway, and he noticed me looking at him, and then he said, "hi, Tarabya". it was a very nonchalant kind of greeting, but my heart jumped in joy, non the less.
his name is..., not important, but I will tell you that he looks a bit like Luke Wilson.
he's a handsome guy. you get the point. I love looking at him. he is my favorite part of the day. we don't get to talk much, but I love hearing his voice when he talks to other people.
although I'm a confident person, I find it difficult to initiate a conversation with this guy. I'm only ever engaged with him when I talk to him about work. like when he misses signing a sheet of paper, I will go and approach him and ask him to sign. I love it when he misses signatures!
I always feel like people don't like me and I act on that illusion, I'm actually a very likable person, but I don't like to bother people with my presence because I often get the impression that they don't really like me. I have a tendency to just back off and stay away if I get the slightest, smallest hint that they are annoyed with me. everyone has to deal with that sort of thing, but I take it a bit too personally.
there is also another reason why I never talk to this guy (even though I can): I'm afraid he won't like me and that things will be awkward between us seeing as we work in the same office.
this fear is not a completely illogical one as I am speaking from experience. I once had a crush on a guy who simply hated my guts! imagine Nygma and Kringle...
now if you're not a Gotham fan, then you won't quite understand this reference. but if you consider the age-old story of one-sided love gone horribly wrong, then you'd get what I mean.
I liked a guy who was so mean to me that I had to switch pantries! I ended up going to Block-A pantry to have my lunch everyday because he hated seeing my face at Block-B pantry. the "pantry" is a designated area for us at the office to have our lunch (or breakfast sometimes!) and to prepare tea and coffee. there is also a fridge for us to keep our food. I would sometimes have my lunch outside the office building because the pantry areas would be too crowded. I don't like to bother people.
I still loved the guy despite the many insults I received from him - he even took at shot at m religion. I believe in being nice and that kindness will always lead to better resolutions. I retained my good-nature and I was calm despite the fury that brewed within my core.
after a while I decided to slay the monster and tell this guy how I feel - maybe he will change his ways and be nice. he didn't! he was more angry with me than before. I'll spare you the details.
this is why I now prefer to have crushes only on famous actors. celebrities don't have any problems with people like me liking them. as a matter of fact, they welcome and adore this sort of thing. I like Robin Lord Taylor now, and I'm sure he would be nice to me...
this leads to me being silent this time for fear that this new crush of mine will crush me even further. this is why I can't tell Steve (oops!) how I really feel. I am limited to ignoring him and sneaking in a few stares when doesn't know it.
I hope that he misses more signature soon.