head under water...

I think it would please you to know that I left my job! it's not news that would make anyone excited especially with how cut-throat the job market is these days, but after enduring 5 years of racism and disrespect, I finally threw in the towel and walked away from it all. 

it was a long time coming, but I've made it! and honestly, it wasn't right for me to be there in the first place.

I was suffering, like a fish out of water would. suffocating and constantly being told to hold my breath and bear it. what? 

and what made things worst is people telling me to accept my fate. accepting my current situation meant accepting that I was dead! a fish out of water was a dead fish after all, eh! 

what did those idiots know anyway. 

I was never meant to be there, but I stayed. I was there for so long because I was crippled by fear mostly and because I didn't want to disappoint my parents... my mom is not the type of person to stand up for herself and take action against the wrong that comes her way and since I live with her, I ended up with that awful weakness too. 

I wish I had walked out as soon as the abuse started. but I wanted to be tough and show them that I was up to the challenge. but that makes things worst because the more I held back, the more the pushed. 

what did they gain from all of this?

I wanted to take my own life because of what they did to me. I had to go to see a therapist to fix my plight, but even he seemed to be unable to assist me with my predicament. 

and what's even worst is that they assumed the worst of me at all times. when I began to fight back I looked to them as the aggressor. and even though I had a strong case against them, their brand of evil prevailed against "mine". 

I don't wish this upon anyone. I don't want them to suffer for what they did. I wish I could make them see that what they did to me was wrong. 

they make you feel like a piece of shit! and for what? honestly, I never understood the mentality of a bully...

it's like they want you to feel bad just because they can! sometimes aggressive behavior of this sort is helpful, like in the case of your parents trying to raise you in the best way they can... but then again, that shit is never helpful at all! it's said that those who bully are lacking in something themselves and so they find a sort of completion in acting towards others with aggression. or it could be that they are already "complete" and have everything and they are simply mean.

in any case, I am so glad to be out of that awful working environment. it was like being under raging waters, trying to swim away and back to safe shores but someone keeps holding you down. the worst part is that they tell you to accept that this is your fate and there is no escape from it. but guess what: things do get better. you need to fight for your right to be treated fairly and with professionalism and kindness. it's not up to anyone to hold you back and make you feel worthless because they don't understand your true value.

I am now better after having survived this experience. and although I struggle to shake off the memory of what went down, I know that I can move on. I can never ever let go of the pain that they caused me, but I won't let them hold me down any more.

I am out of the water, standing on the shore looking out onto the sea where I once drowned. I was never meant to be there. it was not for me. but at least I know how to swim.